Facing into change means first facing into our resistance to change. Paradoxically by embracing or joining the source of the resistance we can see more clearly what changes we need to make and why.
How resistance serves us
In a turbulent world there is a lot to be said for stability, for maintaining our course, for keeping to the tried and trusted values that have got us safely this far. Resistance to change is inbuilt in all of us and in many of the social systems we create, and it serves a purpose. If it were absent, the constant impulses to change would lead to frantic stress and disorder in our lives. The most obvious benefit is that it causes us to pause before embarking on some course of action that could cause harm to ourselves or others. It brings to mind the things we want to keep or are reluctant to let go of. It helps us manage the anxiety around change, insulating us from the fear of unknown consequences, keeping us in our comfort zone. We do that by seeing the change or life challenge through the lens of our existing mental models, the old reliable way of thinking and feeling about issues which have guided us in the past. In this way we hope to maintain continuity and stability, making only those adjustments that are necessary to survive.
Or gets in our way
But resistance can also get in our way. Resistance can cause us to act in a way that prevents improvement or allows dysfunction to persist in ourselves or where we work or live. It can stop us making the changes we really want. We are all familiar with the annual new year resolution, the issues that come up time and again in performance reviews, the despair around the willingness towards change by of some people in our lives. Somehow, we do not seem to be able to reconcile our desire to change with our capacity to do so, to really understand the tension between these two states. Controlling our anxiety around change can go wrong from either being overwhelmed by those inner voices of fear or judgment or recklessly ignoring them. To allay this anxiety, we often resort to defence mechanisms that result in self- exonerating narratives of what is happening and /or behaviours which may be directly contrary to the change we want to make. We actually get in our own way.
Dealing with resistance
This can be healthy, provided we recognise what is happening and try to get to the source of our resistance. Some of the more common resistive behaviour patterns we engage in and why we do so are summarised in the table below. The crucial point is not to be self-critical about these behaviours but to be open and honest about them and to question their validity. How do they serve me? How do they limit me? Kegan and Lahey [i]in their seminal text on this topic, Immunity to Change, suggest that these behaviours are symptomatic of a ‘hidden commitment’ to some deep rooted values or beliefs within us. We don’t make that change because we really don’t want to, or more precisely we want to make another change or to change in some other way. By engaging with our resistances to change we can reveal those concealed commitments and the assumptions that underpin them. Joining the resistance in this way brings us invaluable insights into how to reframe the changes we have to make, to question our motivations and to come up with more creative ways of making them happen.
| How we get in our own way… common resistive behaviours. |
| Unquestioning adherence to existing values, self-image or beliefs, often learned as part of our upbringing. We use words and phrases, like ‘I’d never… or I should or I must.. or ‘That’s just way it is’. This fixed view of the world may not accord with reality. While it is good to have values, beliefs or certain models to guide us in life they can prevent us from embracing novelty if we stick to them too rigidly. |
| Seeing things through on our own experience or life view rather than reality – filling the gaps or making assumptions without asking questions. We use phrases like; I would if only they…/ What’s the point…/ They’d never let me /That could never happen.. Again, this can be occasionally useful in projecting some possible future or seeing some hidden hazards but often it is a way of avoiding our own role in some new change situation or avoiding painful decisions |
| Ignoring or turning away from what is happening in order to prevent full awareness and the need for change. Typical behaviours include shifting the topic of conversation, laughing things off, talking in generalities or abstractions rather than about the specific situation, talking about the past rather than the present or fantasising. Sometimes this can buy us time, help slow the pace of change or get used to a new and possibly painful situation. Of course, it prevents the first stage of facing into change, by avoiding real contact with people and the present. |
| Going with the flow. Joining in with what others are doing, even though it may not serve our needs. Avoiding conflict at all costs, not wanting to hurt other’s feelings. It can maintain harmony but sometimes can lead to loss of identity or restrict our personal growth. |
So, for example, we may have a desire to be more present with others, to focus more on being rather than doing, not jumping in with solutions. This can be undermined by a fear of being seen as weak or dispensable, that things might spiral out of control and we would be blamed for it. In practice, we persist with behaviours such as immediately looking for the solution when a problem is presented, directing the conversation towards our perspective or tuning out of conversations once we have reached a conclusion. We convince ourselves that the urgency of the situation required this, or the lack of expertise in the room, or that this was a situation which we had dealt with before and knew exactly what had to be done.
Surfacing our resistant behaviours like this calls for a mental aptitude that takes time to acquire, the capacity to both value and question our present principles, to be both fully immersed in but also reflective of any situation, to attune to, rather than feel the need to resolve, the dilemmas or questions involved in making change. We need to be able to recognise that this state of internal tension does not oblige us to sacrifice our principles or our identity as individuals or a community. What it does do is bring to the surface the true nature of the polarities or dilemmas that we are facing and the decisions to be made. In summary, it is healthy if we see resistance for what it is and recognise how it influences our behaviour, how and why we prevent change happening.. Blindly following our resistive instincts leads to stagnation. Embracing resistance leads to personal growth.
[i] Kegan, Robert, and Lisa Laskow Lahey. Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock Potential in Yourself and Your Organization. Leadership for the Common Good. Boston, Mass: Harvard Business Press, 2009.