Conversations are us
Conversation is a uniquely human activity. It is the means by which make sense of ourselves as individuals or a society. It is central to making change happen in our lives as we constantly seek to rework that identity through conversation with others. In this way, it forms the rhythm of our daily life, how we express our intentions, declare our beliefs, say what we want, negotiate and bargain, make our feelings known. It is how politics is conducted, how commerce is managed or how love stories begin, endure and end. Conversations can be warm or cold, real or phoney, deep or shallow, polite or rude, cheerful or desolate, constructive or confrontational, trivial or serious. Just like us. They are also the primary agent of change in our lives, the means by which hearts and minds are swayed and new ideas emerge and take root. Change is change in conversation. Therefore, understanding the nature of conversation helps us understand how change happens and can be made more productive. Central to that understanding is the realisation that conversation is the locale where both our individuality and interdependence as humans comes to the fore. We each bring something distinctive to the conversation which makes exchange of ideas possible. We each rely on the other to respond to our conversational gestures. How we do that results in a different patterns and outcomes of conversation, conversations that flow or conversations that stall.
Involvement and Awareness- what we bring to the conversation
If conversation is way of making new meaning through exchange of ideas we can see can that can only happen by involvement of more than one participant. So, what we bring to the conversation is a willingness to engage, to turn up with the ideas formed through former conversations with others or with ourselves. We must be willing to share those ideas and engage with people at the appropriate level. This can range from downloading, just taking in what the other is saying through to a kind of active listening where we encourage others to amplify and clarify, extending to the kind of deep heart to heart conversation where we generate new insights or reach new levels of empathy with others.
We also bring a certain awareness of ourselves of our language and of our role in any conversation, a sense of the impact our involvement might make. We are unique in that we can hear or rehearse or own words be conscious of the feelings they provoke in us and anticipate the reaction of others to them – though not always accurately. We know if we engage in certain ways of speaking that we are likely to elicit certain responses e.g. to inject urgency, ‘we really need to get on here’; to direct, ‘what we want do now’; to block ‘ this is irrelevant’; or to convince ‘the latest evidence shows’. We know too that when we speak, we often speak for ourselves and others who share our identity, as a parent, a partner, a manager or leader or other perception of ourselves. We expect a certain response when we speak as this other but again this may not always happen which can make us rethink our identity with that role or give us different sense how we occupy that role. A key aspect of that role is an understanding of the interdependence and hence power difference that exists in any conversation as between, initiator and follower, expert and learner, manager and subordinate, or parent and child. Being aware of this power difference is important, particularly if we are in a leading role, because such awareness will influence our choice of language and gestures in a way that deepen connections and ensure that conversation can flow.
Going with the flow
Change can only emerge in fluid conversation. We are all aware of conversations that flow, that energise us and bring new insights, that bring us closer to others. We are aware of another type of conversation that deplete and divide us, that become stuck, going over the same ground, preaching the same message or leading nowhere. So, the question is what are the conversational practices that lead to these opposite outcomes?
The first thing to bear in mind is that conversation goes beyond some form of linear communication, a series of exchanges between sender and receiver until some common understanding is reached, ‘there is something I want you to understand’ or ‘let me explain myself more clearly’ type of interchange. That resembles more a lecture or sermon than a conversation. The dynamics of a flowing conversation are hinted at in the Latin etymology of the word, con – with … versare – turn, implying an activity that is turn and turn about, a kind of dance where the lead partners alternate. What is created is a fusion of different themes – meanings, ideas, positions, intentions, agendas that each of us bring to the conversation. This is the creative power of conversation.
How conversations get stuck and soon forgotten
Creativity and conversational flow are blocked when conversational themes become repetitive or one theme or position dominates – for example, the ‘how great we are’ kind of conversation or other forms of corporate speak. This repetition can serve a purpose, institutionalising some worthy values or beliefs, consolidating some common vision or identity or relationship between participants in some social grouping. However, the inability to move beyond a single theme, being stuck on a single track, is often caused by some anxiety among participants or by some power imbalance between them. Anxiety manifests itself as an uneasiness or a resistance to engage whose origin is often unclear. So, we get polite exchanges, or withdrawal, an ignoring of the elephant in the room. Gaining consensus takes over from achieving clarity. Let’s agree and go. Power imbalances, where one person or group seeks to dominate, result in submission or rebellion. We clam up or else shout over each other. The outcome of the conversation is imposed rather than co-created and is often forgotten or ignored afterward. The family row comes to mind.
Productive Conversations
Productive conversations on the other hand lead to insights which people are attracted to ideas and often subsequent innovative action. These are conversations in which we seek clarity and attend to others so as to gain a real awareness of others experience rather than some mushy consensus. We surface conflict and resistance in a constructive and open way. We do this through use of ways of speaking that encourage involvement such as open questions – ‘what do people feel about’ ?.. ‘what do we think is stopping us’? We use strong statements that capture what people are experiencing or analogies and metaphors or stories that relate to or elucidate that experience. Our imaginations are stimulated, different possibilities become apparent. New themes emerge from the discussion of existing ones. Inclusiveness, mutual awareness, and honesty are the key features of such conversation.
Leading Conversations
The above insights are particularly important for anybody taking a leading role in a conversation that is intended to initiate change. They should be aware of what they bring, their ideas and beliefs, their story, their choice of language, and of their relative status to others involved. Their objective is not to direct the conversation but to make sure it flows, to widen and deepen communication. They should encourage people to share their anxieties and to surface any conflict in an understanding way. Power differences should be acknowledged and not exploited. Most of all they should be aware of the creative potential of any conversation, the unique possibility of new ideas or themes emerging from a particular group, speaking in a particular context, interacting in a particular way in this present moment. Change is the change in conversation as it happens.