Facing or growing into change at any level begins with reflecting on our perception of ourselves. Because it is only by experiencing the consciousness of change within ourselves that we witness it in others, and with them see what change is possible.
There are a myriad of philosophers and psychologists who have developed theories about how our consciousness and sense of self develops which I will not attempt to summarise. However, there are some constant themes. One is that we are very much a ‘work in progress’ that we have a sense of self that is always in a state of becoming that is always being shaped by how we relate to events and people around us. There is another common perception that we are multiple selves, we talk of our inner self, our outers self, our shadow self, Jekyll and Hyde, and all that. A theory that I am especially drawn to proposes a triple description of ourselves, as actors, as agents, and the author or storyteller of ourselves[i]. I think that the last descriptor of author or storyteller is central because it is our reflexive self, the self that is most active when we contemplate change.
The story of our three selves
The self we are most familiar with is the one that shows up in the world, that performs, as Shakespeare suggested, as if all the world’s a stage, playing the roles we have chosen or have been assigned to us. It is our self as actors displaying the traits which we have acquired by a combination of nature and nurture. It is also called our socialised selves. It is a self that is crafted by the need fit in, to enable us to carry out these roles. There is a whole popular psychology industry out there providing us with descriptors of our presented selves that we like to hear, or maybe fear.
Then there is the idealised self, the self that believes we are the agent of the future, our imagined self. It is the self that is based on hope, on a search for self-esteem, that provides us with an inner compass as we progress through life. So might aspire to be an intellectual an adventurer, a pillar of the community, a Bon viveur, a person to be respected or envied. It is the stuff of our resolutions, that induces us to buy the self-help books or go on retreat.
Thirdly, there is us as author the one that crafts a story of ourselves, an account of our life experience that seeks to explain our character and aspirations. It is an account, to quote the philosopher William James, that I give of me, to myself and others. That story serves to give us a sense of continuity, to help us make meaning of our lives, to integrate our past and present selves with the one we want to be. So, we will tell stories of our upbringing, of turning points in our lives, or incidents in which our dominant traits were on display. It is the story that you are more likely to share with those close to you. It is a story that is central to our well-being.
Why change a good story?
But here is the thing. While such stories mostly give us a sense of stability, there are times when we know we have to change that story. It can be because of a crisis where events and our response to them that challenges our story. That’s not me! It can come from a more gradual sense of unease that our present story is struggling to cope with the complexities of life. I am out of my depth! Or it may come from an inner sense that the story I tell of me no longer rings true. I want to find my real self. In the extreme, it can be a story that is preventing us from living the life we want to live. I am lost.
There are two points to bear in mind. The first thing to bear in mind is that these stories are just that, stories. They are accounts of past events based on memory and imagination and, as psychologists will testify, our hindsight is nothing like 20-20[ii]. Our tendency is to focus on the best of times and the worst of times and overlook the important times in between. We tell the stories that serve our present purpose. Being aware of this is important because the starting point of change is to change our view of experience, to see other possibilities in ourselves and others.
The second thing to bear in mind is that it may not be easy. It may not easy because it could involve a questioning of ourselves, of what we think and why we think it, of how others might see us. We must see, and learn to live with, certain contradictions about ourselves. Not everyone has the capacity to stand outside themselves and reflect on their own limitations. We may not be ready to listen to others telling us what we do not want to hear. How we these things is a repeating theme of this blog. However difficult, it is better to do so because sticking to your present story, denying it, or distracting yourself from it ends usually in disillusionment or worse.
What changing your story is not
Changing your story is not about a makeover, or image management, telling a tale of what you think you ought to be. A true change of story is a substantive one, one where you see more clearly what to leave behind, what to keep, and what new elements of the story to take on board. It will be one in which you can have a tradesman’s pride, one that is well-made and robust. It will be based on a set of ideas and aspirations that you can own because they are your own. It is an account that will give you the self-confidence to face the many challenges of your life. If you are not happy with your story, change it.
[i] See McAdams https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1745691612464657
[ii] See especially good accounts of limits of the stories we tell ourselves in Daniel Gilberts, Stumbling on Happiness, and Daniel Kahneman’s description of hindsight bias in Thinking Fast and Slow.